


Karaoke

by AngelEyes88 (orphan_account)



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-21
Updated: 2007-10-21
Packaged: 2019-05-15 01:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14781281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AngelEyes88
Summary: He's not entirely sure who he is supposed to be looking at here





	Karaoke

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

It’s an old, old country and western song, one that I’m ashamed to know, and I can’t believe that they’re trying to make Andi sing it. Mind you, I can’t believe they’ve dragged me to karaoke at all. Josh swears blind that he didn’t know; he claims he got confused, thought it was an open mic night. And I’m letting it go because after all there’s still beer and they’ve told me that singing is not compulsory. It’s pretty empty for a karaoke night anyway; there can only be about twenty people crowded round a few tables, it’s a small bar. Six of us tonight – Josh is sitting next to me here, looking as though he is struggling to keep his eyes open. It’s been a long day. Sam, also dragged here under duress, is sitting at the next table, but he’s entered into the spirit of things and he and Toby are busy heckling Andi to get up and sing. I’m not entirely sure why Andi’s here, though I can remember seeing her in the building earlier so it’s possible she was dragged along too. Donna’s standing next to Andi with a microphone, trying to press it into her hand, and Andi looks as though she’s almost ready to give in and take it.   
Suddenly I can here Donna’s voice above all the others in the bar, yelling my name. “C.J! It’s a duet! Come and help her out would you?” You have got to be kidding me. No way am I going to sing in front of all these people, and even if I was I would never sing that song. Yet, upon seeing Andi take the microphone from Donna’s hand, I find myself up on my feet and heading over to join her. A throwback to our youth, perhaps; an “anything you can I can do better” flashback of sorts. And suddenly I’m standing in front of the crowd, a mic in my hand, and Andi’s voice in my ear. 

I've known about you for a while now  
When he leaves me he wears a smile now   
As soon as he's away from me…  
In your arms is where he wants to be

I cannot believe I am singing karaoke. I only agreed to shut Donna up. I never even realized it was a duet, I barely know this song in the first place for crying out loud. And then all of a sudden Donna was yelling and C.J was standing up and the words were flashing on the screen and here I am. I’m still dressed for the office; it surely must look out of place in the bar. Mind you, all of us are. The irony of the song isn’t lost on me, not least as I’m standing directly in Toby’s sight line. He appears to be deliberately avoiding my eyes – he isn’t looking at me. I remember all the times in our marriage when he wouldn’t look at me.   
I only ever saw him smile when he was half way out the door, on his way to work. Even back in the days when he lost every race, but more so since he joined the Presidential campaign. And even more so when they won. Of course that was more to do with the fact that he persuaded her to come on board. I remember election night, when state after state was called for them and every time he headed into her arms before anyone else’s. He headed into her arms before he came to mine. 

But you're the one he rushes home to  
You're the one he gave his name to  
I've never seen his face in the early morning light  
You have his mornings, his days are yours,  
And sometimes I have his nights  
It’s my turn to sing. Andi’s got quite a good voice – I never knew that about her before. It’s sweet and more girlish than one would expect of her. Her face is stony though, she isn’t smiling as she sings. Toby isn’t looking at her but she’s looking at him. He’s gazing at some spot above her head, beyond her and beyond me. I open my mouth and sing and it comes strangely automatically. I’ve sang in front of the guys before of course, and Donna, and, thinking on it, probably Andi too at one party or another after a few too many. We had a lot of parties during the first campaign. A lot of celebrating to do, and Toby and I always celebrated together. Yet, afterwards, when we had a quiet night or – God forbid – a weekend off, he went home with her. Home to Andi, the one who shared his home and his bed and his name. She didn’t like me very much, saw the history between Toby and I as a threat. He told me that. Stupid, I always thought. I might have been his colleague, even his friend, but she was his wife. The one who woke with his alarm in the early hours of the morning and the one he thought about all day. I was the one he’d never slept with sober. 

But does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he loves me (like he loves me)  
Does he think of you (does he think of you)  
When he's holding me

Josh slides a scotch across the table and I take a long slow sip as C.J and Andi’s voices soar upwards in the chorus. They sing very differently and yet together they sound oddly good, alto and soprano combined. I remember the first time I met Andi. We worked towards our Masters degrees at the same time. I already knew C.J at that time, although she and Andi had never met. Andi and I were in some of the same seminars, and we frequented the same bars of a weekend. We shared a common interest in Politics, in the power of words and the rejection of mindless violence. Andi had convictions back then; she knew right from wrong like no one I had ever known. We were friends, I guess you would say. Then, one night we shared a few too many in one of our regular haunts. Everyone else went off home one by one and eventually it was just the two of us sitting there as they closed the bar. And I invited her back to my apartment and we had sex for the first time. Andi was beautiful – is still beautiful – but back then she took my breath away. I’d never seen hair like that, thick and long and God that colour combined with her wide eyes and even wider smile was just a winning combination. Our first time was commonplace; fumbling and clumsy, and not for the first time I found myself thinking about the night I slept with a woman for the first time in my life. Yet Andi made me stop thinking. Andi just let me feel. 

Does he whisper all of his fantasies  
Does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he's been loving me

I met C.J when I was very young, barely out of my teens and her still a teenager. Not even old enough to drink yet and certainly before I found my liking for scotch. I had just started my third year of college. She had just started her first and she was sweet back then – God what an adjective, sweet, but she was – and she had that naivety of someone just starting out in the world. I met her at a party, one of many, and I was sitting surrounded by a few friends desperately trying to find one of the faceless women around us to go home with. We were awkwardly sipping from bottles of beer, terrified we were about to be caught out, and I looked up from my drink to see her there, one of a crowd joining us in our circle on the floor. She was pretty. Not traditionally eye catching like Andi was but pretty in an unconventional way. Tall and skinny, yet not too skinny, curves in the right places I suppose. Striking eyes; they were her best feature. Still are. And long hair back then, right down her back in ringlets that she could never be bothered to iron out.   
She had a mouth on her even at eighteen. She must have argued with every single person in that crowd by the early hours of the morning. We talked about philosophical issues, deep issues, the way adolescents do. The circle began to wane; friends passed out or headed back to each others rooms or went outside for air and never returned, and we remained, us two, debating something inane that I cannot even remember. She matched me drink for drink and blow for blow and in the end I began to laugh. “What’s your name?” I asked her, “I’ve been yelling at you for three hours and I don’t even know your name”. She looked at me then with a look I’ve seen in her eyes many times since. “C.J” she told me, looking at me from under her eyelashes. And then she got to her feet and I was leading her back to my room and now it’s twenty years later and she’s singing karaoke with my ex wife and I’m not entirely sure when I learned that her initials she uses as a name stand for Claudia Jean. 

But when he's with me  
He says he needs me  
And that he wants me  
That he believes in me

He tells me he needs me like he’s never needed anyone and yet we’ve never had a relationship. He’s never taken me to dinner or paid for my ticket to the movies. He’s laughed with me until we cried. He’s held me in his arms while I cry. He’s called me at four in the morning and I’ve listened to him cry. He’s flown across the country to be with me at important moments in my life. He found me and offered me my job, the position I hold now. He believed in me enough to make me take him up on the offer; I owe him everything. Maybe that’s why I let him turn up on my doorstep on the odd occasion when he’s had too much to drink. It reminds me of that first time, the time when I barely knew his name and he didn’t even know mine at all. The time when I was young and idealistic and believed I could change the world. Beside me, I’m aware of Andi opening her mouth and taking a deep breath. It’s her turn to sing again. 

And when I'm in his arms  
He swears there's no one else  
Is he deceiving me?  
Or am I deceiving myself

We only dated for sixth months before I agreed to marry him. It wasn’t a long marriage, and yet it wasn’t a one minute wonder either. We had lots and lots of good days. He would take me back tomorrow, he asks me constantly. I always say no. I always say no, because there were lots and lots of bad days too. I was always jealous of her. He’d known her longer than me, a good few years longer. She wasn’t prettier than me, nor a great deal cleverer. We were fairly equal in all respects. Yet she held a part of him that I did not. She was his first time, way back then in the first couple of years of college. It wasn’t just that though; they were such close friends. He would drop everything and run to her, he always would. I’m not going to say that their friendship broke up my marriage, that wasn’t the case. Toby managed that just fine all on his own. He smiles with her. He swears blind he never slept with her while we were dating, engaged or married. I believe him, but only because the alternative hurts a bit more than I could cope with. 

Does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he loves me (like he loves me)  
Does he think of you (does he think of you)  
When he's holding me  
And does he whisper all of his fantasies  
Does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he's been loving me

Toby’s almost finished the scotch that Josh handed him a moment ago and that’s fast, even for him. His mind is at work as he watches the women sing, I can tell, he gets this look across his eyes. I don’t know which of them he’s looking at. Both are attractive, even tonight, still dressed for work. Andi’s hair is loose which suits her, and she’s all in black which suits her even more. C.J’s wearing a dress and a black jacket and with her figure she would suit a plastic bag, and her eyes are astounding as always. Both are attractive. Exceptionally bright. Nice people. Funny. He’s always been spoilt for choice really. Some days, I wish Andi would agree to reconciliation, if only so as his mood in the office would improve and Josh would stop complaining about him. Yet other days I watch him laugh when C.J makes some sort of joke intended only for his ears, and smile from the back of the room as she gives her briefing, and on those days I wish he would make a go of things with her. I know he sleeps with her from time to time. The song that’s being sung makes me laugh, the irony is quite astounding. Josh is deep in thought as he listens. Toby’s staring at a spot somewhere on the wall, above the heads of the singers. Andi has her eyes shut, concentrating on the tune and not the words. C.J’s staring into space, singing like she means it. Sam’s on the phone over at the other side of the bar, completely oblivious. I’m listening. I’m listening to the lyrics and I’m also listening to what is not being said. 

Shouldn't I loose my temper

I’ve got so much reason to be angry with this woman standing singing with me tonight. So many reasons to hate what she means to the man who is supposed to be in love with me still. Yet I don’t. 

Shouldn't I be ashamed

I should hate that he uses me for sex of an evening while during the day he chases her, begging her to marry him again. I hate that there’s some things he will tell her that he won’t tell me, and yet sleeping with me doesn’t seem to bother him one bit. I should be ashamed of myself. Yet I’m not. 

For I have everything to loose

I cannot marry him again. I just can’t. But I want him in my life. I don’t ever want to be without him in my life, and so I’ll never lose my temper. I’ll never accuse him of sleeping with her while we were together. I’ll never accuse her of interfering in my marriage. I’ll never mention any of this. 

And I, I have nothing to gain

I’ll never close my door to him on those evenings because I would gain nothing from it. If I let him in, I wake up feeling content and fulfilled. I’ve got a lover I don’t have to love, and that’s oxymoronic if anything ever was. 

Does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he loves me (like he loves me)  
Does he think of you (does he think of you)  
When he's holding me

The song’s coming to an end. I swear it, this is the first and last time I’m dueting. Especially to a song like this. Next time we go out, Josh Lyman is going to double check the event that is taking place, and I’m not sitting anywhere near Donna. 

Does he whisper you all of his fantasies  
Does he love you (does he love you)  
Like he's been loving me

I’m never singing in public again. Especially to a song like this. The music comes to an end and Andi reaches over and we hug briefly. She smiles with the world in her eyes and I know that the irony of this performance has been far from lost on her. Yet now, we’ll go and sit down again. Sam will hang up his phone and regret that he missed us singing. Donna will tease Andi for giving in and singing. Josh will order another round of drinks. Toby will stare at the table instead of the wall because in this room he’s not sure who he’s supposed to be looking at. And I’ll laugh and drink and swear never to sing again, because some things are just better left unsaid.


End file.
